Behind Blue Eyes
by Nicki Saja
Summary: Sam had made a big decision but she has doubts... Chapter 5 is up!
1. Riding Home

Title: Behind Blue Eyes  
  
Author: Nicki Saja  
  
Email: sam_jack_fan@hotmail.com  
  
Rating: PG (only for words)  
  
Archive: SJD yes, Carterfic yes, samandjack yes, and everyone else who wants it (but let me know first, please)  
  
Story Status: in progress  
  
Pairings: Sam/Jack  
  
Category: Angst/Future/Songfic  
  
Spoilers: Grace/Chimera  
  
Season: 7 and Future  
  
Summary: Sam has made a big decision but she has doubts  
  
Feedback: is most welcome!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters relating to Stargate SG1. They belong to MGM and any of their associates. I'm just using the characters to write a little story of my own.  
  
Author's Notes: I realise I have to wait and see what the episodes Grace and Chimera are really about, but I can't do that. The second half of season 7 is going to give me sleepless nights, even more than I already have. But I couldn't help it to write this. I was listening to Behind Blue Eyes -Limp Bizkit and I had to write this. It's so perfect for Sam. Anyway, I know the story isn't finished. And if you guys think it's worth to write more of it, than I'll do it. But bear with me. For the moment, I have lots of work for school so it can take some time to finish it.  
  
This story didn't had a beta, so all the mistakes are mine.  
  
*****  
  
No one knows what it's like  
  
To be the bad man  
  
To be the sad man  
  
Behind blue eyes  
  
~ Behind Blue Eyes - Limp Bizkit ~  
  
*****  
  
I never thought it would be so hard. Don't get me wrong, I knew it wouldn't be easy to leave the SGC. To leave a life I always thought it would be my only one. To leave my friends, or I'd better say, colleagues who found a way to my heart and became more than friends, they were and are my family. But the hardest part is the leave my commanding officer, Jack O'Neill. He is the last person I should be thinking about and yet, he wasn't even left my thoughts.  
  
I'm so screwed. My whole life is. That coming from a person who just made the biggest step in her life, well, that says a lot. I know that what I'm doing, is for the best. For the best. Who's best? Mine, Peter's or Jack's? Like I said. I'm screwed.  
  
The road is remarkably quiet. Although considering it's the middle of the night. In the trunk are my farewell presents. I haven't really looked at them yet. They don't matter, at least not now. The only thing that does matter is the envelope that's laying next to me.  
  
And I dared to believe that all my problems would be gone, when I left the mountain. I was so wrong.  
  
My eyes are on the road but my mind is thinking about that damn letter he gave me. Damn him! How could he do this to me?  
  
At midnight the most of the guests were already leaving and he hadn't even shown up. I saw people passing by me and giving me one last goodbye and for all that time I was secretly waiting for him. Fortunately Peter wasn't with me, otherwise he would have noticed my longing. I think Janet and Daniel knew that there was something wrong. Of course there was something odd going on! You leave the chain of the command you have been in for seven years and your commanding officer doesn't even come to say his goodbyes.  
  
At last, when it was only me, Janet, Cassie, Daniel, Teal'c and General Hammond, his face came around the corner. I was glad to see him and at the same time, it hurt so much. He gave me a big smile and I smiled back. But I know for the both of us, it was just fake to mislead the people standing with us in the room.  
  
"Carter," he said, "Sorry I'm late."  
  
"That's okay, sir," I said, "The party isn't over yet." I pointed out to the others.  
  
"Well, I won't be staying long, I just wanted to get here and give you this." I looked down at the envelope.  
  
"Thank you." I really didn't know what to say else. Before I could do something, he pulled me in a hug. To say I was surprised is a understatement. I just wrapped my arms around his back and I enjoyed that short moment. I could smell his after-shave and my legs went weak.  
  
"Don't open it before you're home," he whispered in my ear. Then the moment was gone. He let me go but not before he gave me a kiss on the cheek. After that, he turned his back and left the room, without looking back.  
  
Bastard. Coward. I wanted to shout him those names but all I could do, was stand there and watch him leave. To see him walking out of my life.  
  
God, I feel stupid! My wheel has to take the blow I give it. I'm so angry. Why didn't I say anything? Why did I stand there and let it happen?  
  
Tears are beginning to fall. I can't hardly see a thing anymore on the road. I slow down and pull over. My nerves are about to break.  
  
"Stupid!" I hit the wheel again. I have to do something to get rid of this anger.  
  
It takes me minutes to stop the tears from falling.  
  
"I should be happy!" I start to shout, "I'm happy! I'm going home, to Peter and I am going to live a life I want, one that I chose to have! And not some Colonel with some stupid letter is going to take that away from me!"  
  
The engine starts and I drive home. I made my decision. I left him, together with all those memories and feelings and I'm starting a new life. With Peter.  
  
But when I arrive at home, sit in my car and look at the letter, I begin to doubt.  
  
*****  
  
TBC??  
  
You choose. 


	2. The Letter

Chapter 2  
  
Author's Notes: Thanks for the reviews! It inspired me enough to write to next chapter. But keep in mind, it's written at very late hour and it didn't had a beta. It isn't finished yet. But with school, this time, it 'will' take some time for the next chapter (if you guys want one?)  
  
I don't put the lyrics all at once in the story. Just a little reminder.. :p  
  
*****  
  
And no one knows  
  
What it's like to be hated  
  
To be faded, to telling only lies  
  
~ Behind Blue Eyes - Limp Bizkit ~  
  
*****  
  
Dear Sam,  
  
I hope you've listened to me and that you're reading this at home. Unfortunately I couldn't make it an order, cause I'm not your commanding officer anymore. But you were never good at following my orders, so I spare myself the trouble.  
  
In my thoughts there's now a smile playing at your lips. I always found it amazing how my silly jokes could made you smile. Every time I saw that beautiful smile, it lightened up my day. It was the reason I kept making them, only for your smile.  
  
Some confession, isn't it? Well, I've got an other one for you:  
  
I love you  
  
I love you, Samantha Carter. How unbelievable this may sound, I love you. Never thought it would take some guy from Denver, and yes I'm jealous, to say it. Actually, it's your leaving that's making me do this.  
  
But it was me who said to you to 'get a life'. So who's complaining? I am, cause now I realise what a lucky son of a bitch I was, when you walked beside me, every time we stepped through that Gate.  
  
Your party is still going on and I'm sitting here, alone in my office, writing a letter I promised myself I would never write. This picture I have in my mind of me confessing my feelings to you, on the day we defeated the snakeheads, is fading. In fact, I know now, that this will never happen.  
  
I'm not mad at you, besides I never could. I want to believe that what you're doing is for the best. For all of us. If you had stayed, no one, not even me, could have predicted how I would've reacted. I would be a pain in the ass. Seeing you each day, on my side, but knowing, that at the end, you would be going home, to him. I couldn't have stand that.  
  
But at the same time, I'd feel lost if you weren't by my side, fighting the fight for Earth. So therefor, I'm resigning.  
  
If you would go back to the SGC, don't bother looking me there. I'd probably already have left.  
  
We never made any promise to each other. But I believed in that silent vow we made. When the Goa'ulds were dead and defeated, there would be time for us. But I think we both knew that wasn't going to happen.  
  
So I'm happy for you, my sweet Sam. I wish you all the luck in the world. Have a great life, you deserve it.  
  
Goodbye,  
  
Jack  
  
My hands are shaking. Tears are falling. My head rests on the wheel. Nothing can describe how and what I'm feeling. My world just tumbled down. Everything I thought was right, is now crushed and it leaves me with nothing but tears.  
  
*****  
  
TBC?  
  
Again, you choose. 


	3. Phone Call

Chapter 3  
  
Author's Notes: Thank you so much for the reviews! :) I hope I can live up to your expectations of this chapter. :) Now, enjoy and please, continue to let me know what you think.  
  
*****  
  
But my dreams they aren't as empty  
  
As my conscious seems to be  
  
I have hours, only lonely  
  
My love is vengeance  
  
That's never free  
  
~ Behind Blue Eyes - Limp Bizkit ~  
  
*****  
  
I'm crying. He always makes me laugh. Never once, have I shed tears because of his words. Now he did it. This can't be happening. It wasn't meant to be like this. But yet it is and it's killing me.  
  
He always kept smiling even when I was dating Peter. He seemed... okay with it. 'Right Sam, you're talking about the great Jack O'Neill, master of hiding feelings!'  
  
I read the last part over and over again.  
  
*We never made any promise to each other. But I believed in that silent vow we made. When the Goa'ulds were dead and defeated, there would be time for us. But I think we both knew that wasn't going to happen.  
  
So I'm happy for you, my sweet Sam. I wish you all the luck in the world. Have a great life, you deserve it.*  
  
He's right. We never made any promise, but there was 'something' between us. We had this connection that was... unique. I'll never deny that. I couldn't. In the seven years that has passed too much has happened to simply forget that. I know I haven't forgotten that, but I did something far worse.  
  
I broke it. By leaving the SGC, I chose to leave him behind, to leave him alone. I broke the connection by leaving and with that, I killed the dream of 'us being together'. Not his dream alone, it was my dream once too.  
  
Suddenly my cell phone rings. Hastily I dig in my pocket to take the call. My voice cracks when I greet the caller. Turns out, it's Peter.  
  
"Sam, what's wrong? You sound odd." Damn, I should have know.  
  
"Euhm,. nothing," I respond too quickly, "The line is bad."  
  
"Oh, okay." He buys it, I hope. "I'm just calling to know when you're going to be home."  
  
I look up and watch the house. There's no light except upstairs. So he's already in bed.  
  
"Sam? You there?"  
  
I sigh. "Yeah, I'm here."  
  
"It's just that I'm worried about you. Saying goodbye isn't easy."  
  
My eyes are watery. He doesn't know how right he is. "I don't know when I'll be home. It could get late," I lie.  
  
He stays silent.  
  
"Like you said, saying goodbye isn't easy."  
  
"I know, I know. I understand." He does understand. I can hear it in his voice.  
  
"Thank you. I won't be too late, though." I really don't know what I'm saying. I'm just not ready to get out of this car yet.  
  
"Okay. I love you."  
  
"Me too." I end the conversation. The tears are falling.  
  
I lied to him. In more ways than one. Only because I had some letter of my former CO. Oh God, my life sucks. The cell phone is in my right hand and the letter in my left. I stare at it, not knowing what to do.  
  
'I won't do it.' I've made my choice. Months ago, when I started dating Peter. I put the phone down and look up at my house. My teary eyes don't see much but I detect no more lights upstairs. The letter is still in my hands. I don't know how long it takes me to reach for the phone and make a call to the SGC.  
  
"Hi, this is Major Carter. Could you check for me if Colonel O'Neill is still in the complex?" 'Please say yes.'  
  
"Sorry ma'am. The Colonel has left only minutes after you." My heart aches.  
  
"Thank you, officer. 'Night."  
  
"Goodnight, ma'am."  
  
So that's it. He left.  
  
Carefully I put the letter back in the envelope. It's over. At a point I thought everything would begin again. A new location, a new house in a new neighbourhood, a new career, a new life, a new love.  
  
I sweep the tears away with the sleeves of my jacket. My eyes are tired, yet they don't stop crying. But not only my eyes are tired I now realize. It has been a hard day, especially the evening. With one last look on the envelope, I close my eyes and wish this was one great nightmare.  
  
*****  
  
TBC?  
  
I'll say it again, you choose. 


	4. Are You Happy?

Chapter 4  
  
Author's Notes: Everyone, thanks for the reviews! It means a lot, thanks. Anyway, I've found a beta for this story. To be honest, more than one... :) But they too have exams, so the beta work can take awhile. But I didn't want to keep this from you, so I hope you guys still like the story and yes indeed, continue to send feedback. :) Oh, I swear, I wrote this a few days before Grace! Although there are similarities, this is my plot, I didn't take 'anything' from the episode. One more thing: I heard the name of the guy in Chimera will be 'Pete', instead of 'Peter'. So from now on, I'll be using 'Pete'.  
  
*****  
  
No one knows what its like  
  
To feel these feelings  
  
Like I do and I blame you!  
  
~ Behind Blue Eyes - Limp Bizkit ~  
  
(Originally a song from The WHO, thank you, max, for pointing that out to me. ;) But I find the version of Limp Bizkit better! )  
  
*****  
  
This is the most beautiful day in my life. Although the reflection in the mirror isn't exactly smiling, the white wedding dress looks wonderful. From this day on, I'll be a married woman.  
  
I'm nervous. The white flowers in my hair are perfect and the bouquet of white flowers looks fabulous. Then what's wrong with me?  
  
The door opens. Dad is coming to get me, it's time.  
  
"You ready, kiddo?"  
  
"More than I'll ever be," I smile.  
  
"You look great, everything will be fine." He seems not so happy.  
  
"Dad?" I ask, "Are you all right?"  
  
"Yes, are you?" He looks serious.  
  
"Of course. Why do you ask?"  
  
He holds his hands on my shoulders. "I like Pete, you know that. But does he make you happy?"  
  
I stare at him, not realizing yet what he just asked me. I stay silent and before he can say anything else, Cassandra comes in.  
  
"Sam, it's time. We have to go."  
  
Dad gives me a wink and follows Cassie outside. I wait one moment to have a last look at myself in the mirror. The person in the mirror just looks back. She does look happy. Because she's going to marry Pete.  
  
The music is playing and I know this is it. Cassie and Janet, the bridesmaids, start to walk. On Dad's side I walk through the aisle. People stand up and look at me. They all smile. I notice lots of people of the SGC. Even Siler is here.  
  
When I'm almost at the altar, I see Mark and his family, Teal'c, Daniel, General Hammond and Jonas. I smile. I'm happy with such good family and friends.  
  
At the end of the row, I see Colonel O'Neill, standing in uniform. There's a woman by his side, dressed in black. I know that dress. When I look at her face, I think I'm gonna die. She is ... me.  
  
I..., she wears the same dress I did on my date with Pete. My eyes never leave hers. She's smiling. But it looks more at laughing at me.  
  
Dad stops and I look at him.  
  
"Are you happy, kiddo?"  
  
I don't know what's happening. My heartbeat is increasing, my breathing fast.  
  
Suddenly I stand alone. Dad's gone. The people in the church aren't smiling anymore. Except for... her. She's laughing. Jack's eyes are on me, with a hurt look on his face.  
  
Pete comes to me. No smile on his face, he's angry.  
  
"Why can't you be happy?"  
  
And then, he disappears right for my eyes, into thin air. Everyone is disappearing. The people in the church, Cassie, Janet, Teal'c, Daniel, Jonas and General Hammond. Jack sighs.  
  
"Goodbye, Sam." And he's also gone.  
  
She stands there and point out to something behind me. There's a mirror and I see myself.  
  
"You're not happy." Her voice is hurting my ears.  
  
The image of the mirror changes. I can see a house, in a quiet neighbourhood. Then it shows a boy and a girl crying. They are afraid. My heart breaks at the sight of them, because they look familiar. It's like I'm feeling their pain. Next thing I see, is Pete and me arguing. Fear creeps me as I watch the scene happen. The last image is of a graveyard. I try to read the name on the stone.  
  
'Jack O'Neill, beloved husband and friend'  
  
The same two kids are weeping at his grave. At the time the mirror turns normal, I notice tears rolling over my cheeks. "You'll never be happy." My double says.  
  
And then it's only me in the church. Exhausted from the strong emotions I just had, I sink to my knees. The bouquet lays next to me and the flowers are falling from my hair. I feel lonely. I feel so alone.  
  
"Sam?!" A voice makes me shudder. "Hey Sam! What are you doing here?"  
  
I wake up. My eyes open and reality sets in. I'm sitting my car. No wedding. No tears.  
  
"Are you all right?" Pete stands next to the car, with a concerned face. "Sam?"  
  
"Yeah, I think so." I'm not quite over the shock yet.  
  
"What are you doing in your car? You never came home, I was worried." There's no anger in his voice only disbelief.  
  
"I... I was...," 'Think of something, Sam' "I was drunk. Too drunk, actually. I guess I felt asleep before I could get out." I gave him the lamest excuse I ever made up. God, I feel stupid.  
  
"Well, you need to get inside, don't you think? I'll... Shit! The eggs!" He storms inside. Actually I'm glad he left. He doesn't need to know my secret. The letter of Jack is on the passenger's seat.  
  
It was a dream. Only a bad dream. Yet it wasn't all bad. The hidden truth I kept buried for so long was displayed in my dream. How could I ever been so naïve?  
  
The letter disappears into my pocket as I walk towards my house.  
  
*****  
  
TBC? Or not? ;) 


	5. Ignorance

Chapter 5  
  
Author's Notes: I know this has taking some time to post the next chapter. But school is still my first priority. Hopefully the story continues to enthrall you.

---

No one bites back as hard  
On their anger  
None of my pain woe, can show through 

Behind Blue Eyes - Limp Bizkit

---

I remember yesterday morning. The sweet whistling of the birds outside made sure I woke up peacefully. While the sunshine was touching my face, my eyes opened slowly and saw the beginning of a beautiful day. Even though I knew I had to get up, I enjoyed that moment. It was the day of ending my work at the SGC. After that day my new life would start. Not that I would be entirely gone. In case of an emergency, I would still offer my services as a 'tactical advisor'. The General had made clear that the scientists now working in the lab could use some of my help. His exact words were: "A call to Denver isn't too difficult to make." That was the easy part of the deal. The other wasn't 'that' simple. I would leave SG-1.  
  
As I thought, Janet kept hopping around, making sure the party of that night would be perfect. She made no secret of it. The base would know what they let go. Daniel was rather quiet. We talked a bit, here and there were we bumped into each other. I could have sworn he did it on purpose. Little chats, about the past and present. He didn't talk about Pete. Every time his name was brought up, he changed the subject or made his excuse. I knew Daniel wasn't so keen on Pete, because basically he pictured him as the guy who made me leave them. I don't blame him. Even Teal'c don't think high of him. But Teal'c is Teal'c. He doesn't say a thing, but sometimes, at unguarded moments, he has this look in his eyes that reflects what he really thinks. When Teal'c came to my lab, inviting me to lunch with him and 'the rest of the guys', my emotions were hard to keep under control. I couldn't speak and my eyes were filled with tears. But when I noticed the table was only occupied by Daniel en Janet, I should have expected something was wrong.  
  
And I have a letter in my pocket to prove it. Not to mention the strong, confusing feelings I'm having right now. First day of the new life and look at the mess it already is.  
  
Inside my house there is suspicious smell. 'A man in the kitchen' I sigh, but I know I'm not that better with any food.  
  
"Why today? Why now?" I hear him grumble. The eggs disappear in the trashcan and the pan looks suspiciously not like a pan anymore. "Nothing goes right!"  
  
"What's wrong?" I've never seen him this nervous.  
  
When he faces me, he looks rather angry. "What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong," His features went dark. "You didn't come home last night, I was worried sick. I've to be in Denver in less than four hours. My suitcase is nowhere to be found. The eggs just burned. That's what wrong!"  
  
Oh no! I forgot he has to leave today. He's always so punctual and correct when it comes to his work. And with my absence, he would be late to report.  
  
"Calm down!" As good as I can to put up an other face, I try to hide my oblivion. "I'm here now." The look on his face is full of concern. Apparently, I gave him a good scare. "I'm sorry, Pete. I should have let you know."  
  
His eyes are staring at me. "I was so worried."  
  
"I know, I'm sorry." What more can I say?  
  
We stand here in the kitchen, looking at each other. It occurs to me, we're not touching. Knowing this from my experience with Pete, every time we're near the other, we search contact. There was always that intimate touch. Now we're in the same room with three feet between us. I haven't even kissed him.  
  
"I'll...make us some...eggs," I stutter, producing a little smile.  
  
"I'll go search for my suitcase." There's no need to discuss this. We both know a further conversation won't help solve this tension between us.  
  
God, what am I supposed to tell him? I've already lied to him and I don't think I can do that again. No. No more lies. Pete's a good man. He deserves the truth.  
  
The truth. That he was the first man I saw when I had the feeling of loneliness and that he filled up that gap in my life? That he was the perfect opportunity only to proof myself that I am still a woman? Or that he was no more than a completion of this whole denial thing between me and the one who I thought was unattainable?  
  
I'm not sure I want to tell him the truth.  
  
I feel weak. The certainty I had let go all those forbidden feelings, doesn't seem so true anymore. It's a shock I feel tears making my cheeks wet. I clearly remember the day my cheeks were as wet as today. That one day on the Prometheus. Those events flare for my eyes. I was so alone. All those memories I tried to forget, are here still. Quickly I sit down before I've no strength left at all.  
  
Déjà vu. I'm sitting here, alone, at a table. Only difference now is, Dad isn't here to tell me I'm unhappy and ... alone. Then it dawns on me. This letter shows how wrong my Dad was. And not only the letter.  
  
"I will always be there for you."  
  
I didn't need someone to solve my loneliness. It was right under my nose. Regulations weren't just an excuse. It kept my alone. That and our ignorance on the matter. Could that it? Was it that simple?  
  
"What if I quit the airforce? Would that change anything or is that just an excuse?"  
  
"I would ever ask you to give up your career."  
  
We didn't have to ask each other to give up our career. We just had to decide what was more important, for ourselves, without the other. It was about faith. And I took it away from him. I showed him that my career was more important than him. Cause I chose to stay in the army and took the easy way out.  
  
My hands shake. I've given up the fight against my tears. It is all so wrong.  
  
A noise coming from the hallway startles me. Pete is standing next to the door. Stock-still, gazing me. I'm lost for words.

---

TBC?


End file.
